Not a good day!!

Slow motion sets in again right back to the place I've always been

Everything around me turning in to a blur wondering if I should search for a cure

I just don't want to be stuck in the haze of pill handed out to be swollowed every day

Just want something to come and make me completly numb

I would not have to feel the harshness all around feeling like any moment I will hit the ground Dreams of suicide swirl in and out of my sleep make me wonder if I have gone to deep

Never thought life would be this long for me I'm way to broken for this to be

Just a quick post

Well things are pretty much the same but I thought I should post something because I am trying to do it more often because it really helps with my moods. I have a friend in Woodland now and that makes things a lot better. My Beany just had surgery and is bed ridden so I am going to take advantage of that and have her help me look for a job because she is really good at that sort of thing. Plus she knows Woodland really well so she will be able to tell me what is close by my house and stuff. I got a new stereo in my car instead of the stock one which is good because I soooooo needed a cd player. I hate the regular radio. But when we did that we found out that a big problem with the old one was that only one speaker in my car works so my man found me the other three and I already had an amp and sub to put in so pretty soon my little purple beater is going to have a kick ass system it will be oh so ghetto fabulous. I miss all my online friends and I never seem to catch anyone online when I am online. Croaker I miss you the most and you need to get your ass online and talk to me. I have so much to talk to you about. Well there isn't much else to say except that I had the bright idea to get back on the depo shot so pretty soon I might be on here crying about being to big for all of my clothes. Last time I was on the shot I gained close to 60 pounds in three months and if that happens I will so not be able to wear a size 0 any more. Well I am going to get all curled up with my man and the dogs and relax and watch a movie. Goodnight all....

So many changes so little time!

Well I have not blogged in a min. because I have had a lot of changes and one in particular has changed my ability to get online....that is until today. I quit my job at Macy's so that I could move to Woodland California instead of Sacramento California. I was having some very big issues as some of you may know with depression and then I started having problems with my mom and that just made the situation come to a head and I felt it was time to go. My best friend Billy....no we are not a couple just my best friend since I was 12....offered me a room in his house so I decided to take him up on the offer. I thought it might be good to get out of Sac. not to sure about that idea yet. We didn't have the Internet until today so hopefully that helps with the feelings of being completely blocked off that I have been having. I don't know though because I have not seen anyone online since we got the Internet. I quit drinking as of the first and tonight that is proving to be really hard because my roomies and man are all getting drunk on my fav so I thought I would blog. I would truthfully give my right arm for a pill of some kind though. I am really wishing I could get a hold of someone so I could get out of here. In better news I now have a car. It needs some work ie new doors, a mirror, blinkers, a fuse for the dash lights. It runs though and that is all that matters. Now I just need a job so I can put gas in the tank and a place to go and I will be set. Saving the best for last.....I have a man. Some people don't think that we should be together because he is a little rough around the edges and a self proclaimed dick and well as we all know I am a crazy bitch but I think we work pretty good together. We fight and good lord watch out when we fight but all couples fight. I think that he takes me for who I am and not who he thinks he can make me and that is a hard thing to find and when you look under the harsh first layer there is a lot of wonderful things about him that I don't think he even notices. Over all I am trying to work through my emotional problems but things are looking like they are going in the right direction.

Some things you never knew about me....

When I was in high school I was in an abusive relationship. He became involved in a gang. I didn't leave him because I was scared of him and now it may ruin my dream of becoming a teacher. It makes me wish he would have killed me all the times he tried.

I have nightmares almost every night.

I feel alone even when I am surrounded by everyone I know and it makes me push people away.

I have grown attached to my bipolar....I don't know any other way to define myself any more.

The best drug I ever did was sex. It can make me feel more than anything and that is why I have been with so many people not because I have daddy issues or need attention.

I miss being numb from drugs almost every day.

My biggest fear is not that I can't have children but that I will make them as crazy as me if I do.

I miss having a man around that cared enough to try and control me even though I know that is really unhealthy.

And last but not least 95% of the time I am disappointed when I wake up in the morning that I didn't somehow die in my sleep.

Things that go bump in the night.

My heart is beating like it is going to jump right out of my chest...or should I say throat considering that is where it's at. The room being so dark is making the whole thing worse but my body is frozen to the bed and my voice is blocked by my heart crammed up into my throat. It is just a dream damn it don't let it get to you this bad. I feel the sweat all over my body even though it is only 60 degrees in my room. Out of no where BANG BANG BANG...OK that was positively NOT a dream! I listen for some sign that others in the house were startled awake....nothing. You can do this just get up and check the house....you could never forgive yourself if you let something happen to your family all because of a stupid panic attack caused by a nightmare. If only the house was not so dark, if only all the doors were not made with windows in them so others could see in. Slowly I go through the house everyone is snoring and almost to my dismay there is no one at the front door. That was not my imagination....I am not going crazy. Someone or something had to of made that noise. It was just to loud to not have been real. I lay back down back pushed up against the wall almost painfully. Why can't I stop shaking! Why can't I breath! If only my heart would stop trying to escape I could maybe get some sleep. Eyes becoming lead that I can no longer hold up I fade back into my nightmare good thing morning is coming soon.

Oh if life was simple!

I try to blame guys for how fast they have been in and out of my life so fast. The truth is I think that I sabotage things so that I don't have to truly risk letting myself get hurt again. I let them make me feel good for a few days maybe even a few weeks and then I just quit contacting them or do stuff so that they will quit contacting me. I say I want to be in a relationship but I think part of me is just to busy sheltering my heart. I want to be loved but I don't so much want to love. It is hard to admit these things....but a good friend of mine pointed out that part of the reason I am in the situations that I am is maybe because I am just not ready. This all takes me back to a few months ago when I said that I could not love ever again. I hope that isn't true...that will not make for the best life ever.

The beginning lines to a poem I wrote a couple years ago and lost:

Once upon a broken dream
I had you and you had me
I want to go back to that place

It was the first time me and Tony broke up....I am pretty sure that I am still in a broken dream even if he is not who I want to be with any longer.

Oh what a tangled web!

So I found out this weekend that Mr. Colorado may not be all he was cracked up to be. This news may have devastated me but I also found out there are other, closer, and way more promising options out there for me. I am looking forward to finding out where all of the things from this weekend fall. One interesting this is I got wasted two nights in a row and that is NOT something I do. I had a lot of fun though. I am very excited that a certain person is interested in me and am looking forward to finding out where it is going to go. Only bad thing I can see at the moment is that he has been married twice so I am not sure if that is something he will want to do again. I am going to let fate take the wheel on this one and I hope that it all turns out for the best.